So down at this point

I am still in pain. The doctors want to treat the symptoms with pain pills but those don't even help. I am so depressed and filled with rage. I hate how angry I am inside right now and I am on the verge of tears. I am so close to just have the hysterectomy. There is no way I am taking the third shot. I am two weeks past my second shot and I just can't handle it anymore. I just want to crawl in a hole and die. I am such a horrid person right now. I feel so out of control at this point and want this all to be over. I want my old life back, pain free and somewhat mentally healthy. I am full of rage and think I could really get into a physical altercation with someone and not even care. I have dropped the F bomb at my husband so many times this week. I am so tired that from 3 to 8 pm I cannot keep my eyes open. Add to this the stress of my family and I could just lose it anytime now. Ugh. I hate life right now. Even my antidepressants don't cut it anymore.