Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Although I can't stand fall(because you know winter is on its way)I love doing Halloween events with my kids. A few weeks ago we went to an annual event at a local park and got oodles of candy. This past weekend we went to the Humane Society for their annual Howl and Boo event, followed by a new to us event. We had heard about an event called Trick or Treat Street. It is put on at a camp for disabled people. The admission was $2 per trick or treater. I was amazed at how nice this event was. The disabled people loved the kids and of course the kids loved the candy. There was a haunted maze and after all the outdoor activities were done you could go inside and purchase cotton candy, popcorn, hot chocolate, etc. It was one of the best Halloween activities I have ever attended, and it was for a good cause. It will definitely be a yearly event for us now.
Monday, October 19, 2009
I have been spending most of my online time reading about what to expect from my upcoming hyst. I am so scared but at the same time I am looking forward to being pain free. I am having a hard time coming to terms with this. I had an ovarian cyst back in 1999 after taking a steroid injection due to severe internal and external poison ivy. I literally had it head to toe. After that I had no problems, everything was normal. I conceived my first child accidentally, but was happy about it after the shock settled. When Aden was 2 we decided to start trying for number 2. I assumed it would be right away since Aden happened so unexpectedly and quickly. Months went on and on and I was not getting pregnant. Finally I got pregnant only for it to be a chemical pregnancy. I was told to wait a few months but of course I did not listen. As soon as I got home from vacation, during which it was confirmed a nonviable pregnancy, I attacked my husband and Voila! I was pregnant. It took 10 months and a lot of trying. After Cohen was born my periods were fine and no problems. This past summer I went to OH for a week and came back with a puffy lower abdomen and some unexplained weight gain. Soon after I was in pain, all the time. I went to the doctor who confirmed a 6 cm cyst on my ovary. I had surgery to remove that and do some other things like tie my tubes. Endometriosis was found, unbeknown to be. Soon after the surgery I was in pain again. I went to my surgeon again who swore there was no way I could be in pain from a cyst again, even though one showed on the ultrasound that was performed 20 minutes before hand. I consulted another Gyn who had treated me while I was pregnant and she began me on Lupron, which was hellacious in itself. So now with that option a failure as well I am left with very few actions. I can live with the pain or I can have a hysterectomy. At 30. I have been in pain for about 5 months now and cannot handle much more. I feel like I have not had enough time to prepare for this. Then again how can you? Does have years to adjust to this make it any easier? I have 1 month and 2 weeks until my surgery and it feels like a lifetime away. I know it will be here sooner than I realize and that scares me as well. Sometimes I just want to cancel the whole thing. Perhaps I can live with the pain? I don't think I can but the unknown is what scares me the most. I am thankful more than I can explain that I have my kids and that I was already at peace that I was done having kids. Unfortunately there are many women out there who are facing this without having had children already. I am so greatful but scared nonetheless. I have never had surgery with the exception of my c-section with my youngest and now I will have had 2 surgeries in less than 6 months. On the bright side I am hoping my uterus, cervix, ovaries, and tubes weigh at least 10 pounds.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
I went to the doctor yesterday and it was decided that my next step is to have a hysterectomy. We have tried all the conventional methods to help with my pain and now we are on our last option. My surgery is scheduled for December 3, which is the day after my 30th birthday. I am relieved that the pain should be over soon but I am scared to death. I freaked last time I had surgery and it was not nearly as invasive and scary as this one. I also worry how I will be able to care for the kids, as I do not like to ask for help. At least I have a while to prepare for it. Hopefully I will feel tons better before Christmas!
Monday, October 5, 2009
Would you choose a Motrin PM or Vicodin..... hmmmm. I need the sleep but I am too afraid of taking something that will knock me out when I am the only parent here for the boys. I am immune to vicodin at this point and the pain is unbearable either way so really I guess neither is the answer. Yes, I am bored. I am lonely. I need a life. Or a hobby. I am over my husband working third shift and I know I should not complain because at least he has a job but when I am emotional and in pain I get whiny. I want to cuddle. I have a searing headache that has not gone away in days. An earache too that sometimes shoots through my ear. It is not pleasant. I would rather be in labor, at least the the stadol makes me goofy and the epidural gives relief. Plus it was amusing to poop on the delivery table and watch my husband almost puke from the stench. Gotta love a man who steals your oxygen mask. At least in labor you know the end is near and the pain will be gone. I am so forgetful. I lost my car, I forget to pack my sons lunch. I forget what I am going to say next. Good thing I have not forgotten my kids yet, although with they way Cohen has been lately it has crossed my mind. I am feeding a stray cat.... you wanna know why? Well do you? To get back at my husband for letting his brother park his boat in the garage. I do sometimes use my evil for good.... sometimes. I think I will copy and paste this to my blog. It is the most clever shiat I have written in a while. No, I am not on drugs..... and I have not been drinking. I think I have finally gone over the deep end. It is lonely here..... anyone wanna jump in with me?
I have an appointment on Wednesday to talk to my doctor about Lupron and what is next in my journey. I am on constant pain, more than when I started. I am nauseous at times and my head has not stopped pounding. My ears keep having a shooting pain zing through them. To add insult to injury I can now not sleep. I will fall asleep, not deeply, and then BAM! I am awake again. That really sucks. I am leaning towards the doctor just ripping everything out, although I would be okay with her just taking the ovaries. I have not done much the last few days because it hurts but hopefully, just hopefully, the end is near.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
I am still in pain. The doctors want to treat the symptoms with pain pills but those don't even help. I am so depressed and filled with rage. I hate how angry I am inside right now and I am on the verge of tears. I am so close to just have the hysterectomy. There is no way I am taking the third shot. I am two weeks past my second shot and I just can't handle it anymore. I just want to crawl in a hole and die. I am such a horrid person right now. I feel so out of control at this point and want this all to be over. I want my old life back, pain free and somewhat mentally healthy. I am full of rage and think I could really get into a physical altercation with someone and not even care. I have dropped the F bomb at my husband so many times this week. I am so tired that from 3 to 8 pm I cannot keep my eyes open. Add to this the stress of my family and I could just lose it anytime now. Ugh. I hate life right now. Even my antidepressants don't cut it anymore.